I went down to DC over the weekend with activist friends Debra Sweet of
World Can't Wait and Andy Worthington who's been writing and
researching about Guantanamo since 2006.
I'm glad more people are bringing to light the dark topics of abuse,
Torture, indefinite detention, and what it does to people. And not just
the victims but, the perpetrators also. I find it hard to believe that
"grown" people would ever engage in this kind of behavior. The violence,
abuse, the everyone- for- yourself mentality, the lack of real love and
support I grew up with forced me to read and learn how to have
healthier relationships. It was a natural response to the trauma I was
surrounded by. How we're now living in a world where people hold other
human beings against their will without charge or trial and Torture them
is simply beyond my comprehension. Maybe its because I was young when
the abuse happened and still in touch with the, undamaged, instinctual
part of myself that I was smart enough to listen to and trust my body's
intelligence to direct me. I wanted Nothing more than to love and have
healthy, fulfilling relationships. I thought other people knew how and
already had that. I thought the rest of the world was raised healthier
than me. Clearly, I was wrong.
What makes people come to participate, condone or look the other way
when other human beings are being so mistreated? What is it about those
doing the inflicting that makes them do it?
It was very emotional being at all these talks and events where people
were actually standing up against the treatment I've tried to get people
to stand up against all my life. At times I couldn't contain my tears
and sobbed. I longed for someone to stand up for me when I was a child,
or at least stand with me when I stood up for myself. I felt jealous of
the support the men in Guantanamo were getting. I feel that by being
around it I might be able to steal some support for myself, that drops
of the strength and courage people express on behalf of these men will
sprinkle down over me.
I'm dying to speak up and talk about the torture and abuse I
experienced growing up by the very people who are supposed to love and
protect you. The fear of admonishment and that I'd get the same
responses I've heard a million times in my life, "oh, get over it", not
be taken seriously, or that my abuse doesn't compare to what the men in
Guantanamo are going through. Yet, abuse when you're a child at the
hands of the very people who are supposed to protect and love you more
than anyone, is more torturous than anything. Many of the detainees at
Gitmo have families that love them.
At a young age I knew better than most "adults" around me and started
to read about what healthy relationships are and how they're supposed to
function. What the signs and symptoms of abusive, dysfunctional
relationships are. Obviously, these are not teachings and skills our
society values or they would be more prevalent. Of course, the PTB don't
"profit" by people learning healthy relationship skills and listening
to each other. Even though, the fact is, they Do benefit.
I turned to fitness, things like weight training and Yoga practice to
get the Visceral feeling of where the line was between harming and
building. I used to hear when I was growing up things like, "having a
hard life builds character", things to that effect, so the perp can
excuse themselves of any wrong doing. My insides told a different story
and I'll take what the body says over what anyone else says any day!
People, literally, used to tell me not to listen to or to trust what I
felt and what my body knew.
By working out with weights it gave me something visceral to push up
against. Something that wasn't going to lie, cheat, abuse, manipulate,
undermine or deny. The facts were right there. The answer was right
there and I controlled it. Training with heavy weights helped to relieve
some of the pent up rage I was experiencing from growing up. It was a
way to seek where the internal wound was and attempt to sew it back
together.
The relationship techniques I was teaching myself was the other way I
attempted to "sew" wounds back together. Like weight training it was my
attempt at strengthening and making fit relationships with people. To
try to put back together and repair the wounds I sustained growing up.
Finding other people who were willing and who wanted healthy, fit and
loving relationships as I did. War is terribly destructive especially
when its going on in the home. Bombs being dropped on innocent civilians
is a horrible thing but, so is a child living with warring or abusive
parents. War is war, fighting is fighting. Not acknowledging the damage
I heard Ray McGovern and many other speakers say over the weekend,
quoting Gen John Kimmons, "no good information can ever come from
abusive interrogation practices", something to that effect. Like parents
should not hit their children but, history actually encourages abuse
and corporal punishment in child-rearing as normal.
Yoga practice teaches balancing the hard & the soft. Getting back
to the way nature functions and that all we can do is create the
conditions for the poses to happen. We can't force it. Physics will only
push back. Nature can't be forced. All force does is blowback in your
face.
Strange how less force, less aggression, more cooperation and taking
the time is never an option with the Military/Gov, Corps. or Wall St.
They may think they're "getting" by the use of force but, what are they
really getting? A vicious cycle. The info from a prisoner being tortured
is not reliable. Anyone would say anything to get the torture to stop.
Most people tell "authority" what they want to hear. Most behavior in
the world comes from threat, fear, coercion. That's how most people
we're "raised",through Fear. Not respect or reason, taking the time to
teach or explain so children understand. Its the Capitalistic way of
child-rearing. Don't have the time to do things right. Too busy so the
debt builds up over time.
Even Miko Peled, in his book, The General's Son, wrote about his Martial Art studio that he runs in San Diego and how it was Martial Arts training that taught him to balance aggression with compassion, the opposite of how he was trained by the IDF. He said, the IDF strip you down then build you up to be a killing machine.
This is exactly why I turned to Yoga, meditation and Fitness at a young age. I was past my eyeballs in stress from growing up in a warring "home". I wanted Peace so badly, wanted to learn healthy relationship skills so badly that I lived it every minute of every day. Of course, I wanted it more than others because of how I grew up being so oppressed that I tried to "get along" with people too hard. The "peace" I was seeking so badly always came at my own expense which made it Not peace at all. It's difficult when you start out imbalanced to find balance without help from others but, there is no help. People don't understand or take the time to connect so the imbalance perpetuates indefinitely.
Spending the weekend listening to the Peace Poets from the Bronx recite their
poetry in support of the prisoners at Gitmo who've been indefinitely
detained without trial for over 10 years and have not been found guilty
of any crimes yet, have not been released even though many have been
cleared since 2006, brings up feelings of my own abuses.
I feel drawn to join in the because I'm reminded of my growing
up when I hear the stories of these men. At all the talks, meetings and
events I attended its always the same. I say to myself, "I've been
saying that since I'm 6, been saying that since I'm 7", and no one
listened. I had, and fear I will always have, only myself to stand up
for. There are many people in this world being and who have been abused
and receive no justice. The definition of our entire World may as well
be abuse because that's all we can have as long as we have a few people
with too much power and an insatiable lust for more on an Earth that is
limited and runs at a slower pace.
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